Sunday, March 4, 2012


So, Brandon went back to work Thursday, and I'm really disappointed at how quickly the depression came back.  I hate how co-dependent that makes me sound; like I can't handle my day to day life without my husband.  That's not it at all.  Yes, I love him and I miss him terribly, but I feel like the depression is brought on by stress, not his absence.  They're directly related of course; my stress levels are so high because I don't have his help when he's gone.  He's not here to wrestle with Beck and/or make sure he doesn't destroy the house while I take a shower.  He's not here to play fetch with the dog for hours on end so she's not leaping all over me constantly.  He's not here to help me deal with Piper's whining or to play hide and seek with her while I cook dinner.  I end up not being able to do any of those things so that our day-to-day life is infinitely more stressful.  We're missing the link in our chain that keeps everyone calm.  

I spend most of the four days he's gone so stressed out my chest hurts, and the few days he is home (two this time) desperately trying to recover from all that stress.  I escape, leaving him home with the kids and the dog and the mess.  I sit on my ass at night on the couch with him because I can, instead of taking advantage of the help and getting the house somewhat presentable again.  Or crafting without interruption.  Or going to the gym. Or doing any number of things I should do.  

My life is one big emotional roller coaster and I honestly don't know how much more I can take.  Every day I feel like I've hit my limit, and then Beck scribbles on one more important piece of paper, or the dog eats one more of Piper's dinners, or I burn one more of my dinners because my attention is constantly pulled in three different directions.  I feel so hopeless.  

I've tried so many things to alleviate some of the stress, and nothing has worked.  If anything, it makes ends up just making things worse. Searches for part time daycare or even reliable sitters are pointless.  Eating better and trying to exercise is out of the question; I have zero energy by the time I am able to work out, and all this stress just has me holding onto any weight I would lose even if I was eating right.  Play dates end up being more tantrum than play, trips to town end up with me almost in tears in the car with one kid who wants everything in sight and whines about having to walk from one end of the mall to the other and another kid who refuses to walk at all and has just realized he's been two for almost six months so he better get on that Terrible Two business.  I took the kids to Darbyland (an indoor playground on base) last night, thinking they would have fun and I would be able to just sit and think for a while; I spent the whole time dragging Beck off the dirty floor as he threw tantrum after tantrum after tantrum.  My heart broke when I had to tell Piper, who was actually having fun, that we had to leave.  

Brandon constantly asks what we can do to help me get through his tours better, and honestly I just don't know. I should probably go to therapy, but then we're right back at the childcare issue.  How am I supposed to go to therapy if I'm alone with the kids all the time?  I can't even try to schedule appointments for days Brandon's off, because I never know when those days are. 

So I end up waking up each day with a feeling of dread, full of guilt for feeling this way when I have such an amazing family.  My husband is more than I ever dreamed a husband could be, and I hate that my feeling this way just makes me want to just run away.  Piper is so beautiful and creative and caring; I hate that I lose my patience with her so much and don't have more time to just enjoy her.  Beckett is so hilarious and adventurous, I hate that I spend most of my day discouraging his energy and curiosity instead of encouraging it.  I just hate the person I've become, and I don't know what to do to get the old me back.  

Friday, March 2, 2012

Lunch post tomorrow, I'm ranting tonight, bitches.

I go through phases politics-wise.  Every once in a while, an issue pops up and I suddenly get sucked into this place where I'm constantly thinking "how on earth can people actually THINK that is okay?" and yelling, "ACKKKKKK!" and having to stay off facebook to avoid losing 80% of my friends (I'm very much outnumbered in my left-leaning tendencies).   

I stay in these moods for a few weeks usually, sometimes a few months, and then I just stop.  I get tired of the hatred, the disappointment in my fellow Americans (and often my friends and family), and all the ridiculous slander and skewed information that is all over the political scene.  It's not just the media; it's the actual politicians themselves...twisting words around, manipulating facts...there's only so much explaining and enlightening I can do (for others and myself)  before I just want to vomit.   

Sometimes I think I'd like to be a political science/government teacher, just so I can do my part to ensure future generations actually know HOW our government works.  All those "Obama doesn't want to pay the troops" posts and those like it literally break my heart.  How is it possible for so few people to know how our country works?  How can so many in the military NOT know the budget process?  I don't understand why people blindly follow whatever news pundit happens to be on the television, believing every single word that comes out of his mouth without ever taking a second to google and see if what they're saying actually holds any merit.  Or just automatically repost whatever their friends have posted on facebook, not once taking the 30 seconds to it and check it's validity.

It was a phone call yesterday that brought me back into the swing of things.  The person I was talking to mentioned they had listened to Rush Limbaugh discussing some girl from a prestigious law school demanding free birth control, and that they didn't understand why the government didn't just tell them to go to walmart to get their contraception.  I didn't know the situation (I live in a bubble when I want to) and so I sort of contraception is kind of ridiculous and yes, they should go to walmart and buy some condoms, but no, the government should not send them to walmart.  Walmart is big enough.  

Then I did some research.  And I was SHOCKED to find out the whole story.  

That a women's rights activist, Sandra Fluke, asked to appear on the panel discussing the contraception amendment (which the Senate rejected yesterday THANK GOD), and was denied.  And that Mr Douche-bag of the Century himself, Rush Limbaugh, proceeded to call her a slut, a prostitute, and demand sex tapes in exchange for this "free" birth control.  First of all, the birth control would NOT be free.  It would be PROVIDED by an INSURANCE PROVIDER.  Not the government.  An insurance provider.  Whose job it is to provide medical care.  Which includes medications.  Which should damn well include birth control if it's going to include viagra.  Not a dime would come out of any of our pockets to provide birth control.  Not a single effing penny.  

Regardless of how you feel about this amendment (which would exempt insurance providers from providing medical services if they go against their morals, which in and of itself is disgusting to me...since when do insurance providers have morals? Btw, this amendment would also potentially affect children's vaccines, blood transfusions, name it.  It's not just birth control.), you cannot be okay with the way Ms. Fluke was treated.  Do we really want our children to grow up in a world where it's acceptable behavior to vilify and ridicule a woman for exercising her rights?  Where some man makes millions of dollars by sitting up in his sound booth and calling a law student a slut for wanting more reliable birth control than a condom from the insurance company she PAYS FOR?  

It literally breaks my heart when those closest to me so blindly follow people like Rush Limbaugh.  Breaks. My. Heart.  Even more so when that person is a woman...who has a daughter who was able to get free birth control from their insurance providers.  Two daughters, in fact.  If you read this, I'm sorry.  I'm trying to not identify you because I don't want to embarrass you, but please, please please don't support this man anymore.  He's so much worse than even Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly.  Watch them all you want.  Maybe turn on The Daily Show every once in a while for another side of the story *wink wink nudge nudge*. But please, I'm begging, don't give Rush a second more of your time.  He's racist, he's sexist, and he's so full of hate it's sickening.  

Please wake up and realize how detrimental he is to so many different groups of much hate he spreads.  


And for the rest of you, go learn about how the three branches of government work! :)

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Holy anti blogging.

I dyed my hair black!  I attempted purple before our fancy schmancy dinner celebration (more on that below) and HATED it, so I just went back to black.  And I love it.  


I definitely did not plan on irregular posting over these last six weeks or so, but I'll tell you was nice to not HAVE to blog to get some sort of adult interaction.  I started blogging again because I just felt so lonely on the days Brandon was at work (For those of you who don't know, my husband cooks for the guys who work out at the missile fields surrounding our base.  The site he typically goes to is about two hours away from the base, so he stays there for four days and then comes home for five. Usually.).  I feel so alone when he's gone...of course I have my kids and my crazy dog and my friends, but it's not the same.  Those 3-4 hours between the kids' bedtime and mine can be eerily quiet and I just needed some way to talk about whatever was on my mind. With Brandon home, I spent those 3-4 hours with him usually, so blogging was put on the back burner.  Sorry, blog.  My husband comes first.  

But!  He left today for his first shift back, so I'll be back blogging regularly now probably.  I thought I'd do a little recap to explain WHY he was able to stay home for so long.  

So, in the military, after your first few promotions, you have to test for the next ones.  Brandon has actually promoted really quickly; he's only been in the Air Force for 4.5 years and is already on his 4th stripe.  He entered Basic Training as an Airman Basic, was able to put on his second stripe (Airman First Class) right after Tech School (where they learn how to do their specific job field) since he had over 30 college credits.  He then was promoted to Senior Airman (three stripes) early because he was chosen for Below The Zone (his supervisors put him up for this award; only two of all of the airman in that promotion cycle (I believe) from the entire base were chosen to receive their promotion early).  The next rank, Staff Sergeant, is the first one you have to test for.  He tested early (because of his early promotion) while we were in Alaska still and missed it by five points, which we were super bummed about because he hadn't really studied very much.  But! He tried again last year and made it!  

Staff Sergeant is an important rank.  It's the rank where you are no longer an airman; you are a non-commissioned officer.  Each rank brings more responsibilities and pay raises, but Staff Sergeants actually are responsible for other airmen. Brandon is now a supervisor and is responsible for two airmen.  Once you make Staff, you have to go to Airman Leadership School (ALS).  It's a six-week long course that basically teaches you how to be a leader.  There were papers to write, speeches to give, counseling sessions to practice.  Luckily, they have an ALS here at the base, so Brandon was able to be home for the entire class.  We both agreed that he probably would have done better if he had had to go to another base for the class; the kids aren't exactly conducive to excellent study habits.  But, we were grateful for the time as a family and I definitely enjoyed having him home.  

Once ALS is over, they throw a big graduation ceremony/dinner to celebrate everyone's accomplishments. We got to get all dressed up and have a night out without the munchkins! It was so fun.  Here's a few pictures from the night:

Brandon's name in the program :)

Coming back to the table after getting his certificate (that's his commander standing on the left, ready to congratulate him).

Love him!  

We had a great time, the food was good, the company was awesome, and I am just so very proud of my husband it's ridiculous.  He's such an amazing husband and father, and I couldn't be more happy about his career.  I'm so, so, so happy I moved to West Jordan, Utah that summer way back in 2005 and got a job at Pizza Hut...because I can't imagine where I'd be without my Brandon.