Friday, May 21, 2010

Keeping my hands busy.

In light of recent events, I've been pretty much moving from my bed to the couch and back to my bed for the past few days. The incisions burn and sting whenever I get up or sit down, so I've been moving as little as possible, and am more thankful now for our brand new comfy cozy bed than I was the first night I slept on it. I've never felt pain in my belly button before...and it is definitely something I could have lived without.

Physically I'm feeling better each day, which is great, since I was sick of lying around all day by Tuesday afternoon. I'm actually considering sneaking out for a pedicure tomorrow...I could use some pampering. I'm mostly just tired, and sore, and my hormones are going crazy so I'm definitely riding the mood swing roller coaster.

I've needed something to keep my hands busy though, and the baby blanket I was working on (to sell on Etsy) just wasn't cutting it, so I dug out some yarn and set to work.


I bought these twelve skeins of blues, greens, browns, and a red and a purple on sale while Brandon was deployed. I meant to make us an afghan for our bedroom. Then Brandon came home and surprised me with a new bedroom set and I forgot all about the yarn and bought a comforter set which I've fallen in love with. So now I think this super soft cuddly yarn will make a lovely living-room afghan, and possibly a couple cushions if I'm lucky.

I've got 18 squares down already...the first 12 took a while since I had to figure out the colors. Each color is used once in each position (center, middle, and outer) and no two of the original 12 use the same 3 colors (if that makes sense...). It's going fairly quickly now that I have to just make these 12 squares over and over.


Having something else to concentrate on...something immediate and concrete to focus my attention on has helped me cope immensely. The despair I felt when I realized I was losing a child I never wanted in the first place has lessened. I've started to realize this pregnancy was never going to live, whether it was planned or not, and nothing I could have done would have changed that. I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting the baby...for that short burst of relief I felt when it was clear it was an ectopic pregnancy and not just a very early pregnancy in my uterus. What I went through is not the same as an abortion. I don't know if the baby's heart was beating or not, but either way, it wouldn't have been for much longer...and if it had, it could have stopped mine. I don't feel completely at peace with what happened, but I am getting there, and that in itself gives me peace.

It is, however, just now dawning on me that I am missing a fallopian tube. I know, it seems silly, but I have been focusing so much on losing a baby that I completely forgot about losing a body part.

I just want to say thank you for all of your support and your kind words. I've read everything you all have written to me many times...I haven't been able to respond individually to all of you because honestly I just haven't been strong enough to find the right words to say, but I want you to know I do appreciate your notes very much.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Yesterday.

Saturday afternoon I started getting these cramping pains in my abdomen...they went away for a few hours, but came back that night and ended up waking me up a few times. Woke up Sunday...same thing. I thought I was constipated, so I went out and got an enema...absolutely nothing came out so I knew that wasn't it. I tried to just relax and went to bed...but after being woken up for the third time at 4AM I knew I needed to go in to the emergency room.

They had me give a urine sample to kinda figure out what was going on. The doc came in and told me the urine came back fine, but it tested positive for a pregnancy test. Not good, since I have an IUD. A pregnancy where an IUD is present typically ends up being an ectopic pregnancy, which basically means it's a pregnancy where the baby is outside of the uterus, typically in a fallopian tube. It can be very dangerous for the mother...if the baby grows large enough it could rupture the fallopian tube kill the mother.

I was sent for an ultrasound (topical and pelvic...super uncomfortable)...but all they could see was a growth that looked like a benign tumor near my right fallopian tube. Couldn't find the baby.

My ER doctor hands my case over to an OBGYN doctor who tells me she wants to send me in for a laproscopic surgery so she can both take a look at the growth and look around for the baby. She said if she found the baby she'd remove it, or if the growth looked dangerous, she'd remove it, but that the whole surgery should last an hour at the most.

Two hours later, I woke up.

My doctor came over and told me the growth was actually the pregnancy, and that it had started to rupture (hence all the pain I was in). She had a bunch of pictures to show me, which was pretty cool.....she showed me what my left fallopian tube looked like, (flat, squishy, empty) then what the right one looked like (stretched super tight with what was obviously an embryo in it). She ended up having to remove my entire right fallopian tube.

The whole day was probably the scariest day of my life. It's still so surreal...I just can't wrap my head around it. I was pregnant. I could have died. I lost my baby.

We are by no means in any way ready to have another child...Beckett isn't even seven months old yet. But still...the fact that I was pregnant and lost a baby....it just hurts so bad. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, what I'm supposed to do, how to move past this. I can't stop kissing and hugging Piper and Beckett, yet every time I do I can't help but think about this baby and what could have been.

I'm probably going to be MIA for a few weeks while I try to deal with all this and recover from the surgery.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day.

I love Mother's Day.

It's become my favorite day in these last four years...because it is all about me.

Does that sound selfish?

Probably.

But it really is the one day out of the year that is all about me, and I love it, even though each year I inevitably end up going to bed disappointed.

I go out of my way to make my family's special days just that...special...and so every year I hope and wait for something special to happen on MY one special day. I don't even know what exactly I would want to happen...just SOMETHING to make it seem like it was a special day...something to make it different from the other 365 days of the year.

I woke up to my family's smiling faces, a plate of scrambled eggs and a couple sausage links, the smell of a fresh pot of coffee lingering in the air, and two adorable cards my husband picked out from the kids. It was very sweet, and I'm very thankful, but I guess I just wanted more. I wanted to go for a walk, to find a new playground, to go to lunch, to walk around the market...ANYTHING.

But we didn't.

It's not my husband's fault. He tries. He thinks I want him to buy me jewelry or flowers or expensive things, so because we don't always have the money to pay for those things, he doesn't do anything. I try to explain to him that I just want us to do something we don't usually do...but he just has a hard time thinking of those things.

He doesn't see an afternoon at a park the same way I do, and probably never will.

So, we spent the day at home.

Piper took a three hour nap since she woke up at 6 AM and was still in a bad mood when she woke up.

Beckett is finally cutting his first tooth (it's been doing jumping jacks in his gums for the past two months) so he's a grump face too.

By the time we got Piper in the bathtub and into clean clothes it was already 6:30 and no one was making any effort to get out of the house, so I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner and laughed at SNL with my husband.

I put some laundry away, got the kids to bed, and curled up into bed with my kindle while Brandon curled up next to me with Harry Potter.

It was a mundane Mother's Day, a grumpy Mother's Day, a sleepy Mother's Day, but it was Mother's Day nonetheless. I hope you all had a wonderful one...and that next year, mine will be a little more special.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Alone.

I'm just gonna say it...I love being alone.

I really, really do.

Of course I love not being alone too...I love our little family of four and treasure any time spent with them.

There's just something about those rare, stolen minutes when I have nothing to think about but myself, no one to please than myself, no one to take care of but myself. Whether it's a trip to the grocery store, a doctor's appointment, or a walk after dinner, I live for these moments.

It's what I miss most about my life before the words 'wife' and 'mother' applied to me.

It's the only thing I miss.

Because this life...this husband...this son and daughter...THIS is happiness.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Last Weekend.

This weekend was a good weekend, ableit an eventful one. Piper came down with the worst case of strep throat I've ever seen...at first we thought it was an earache since she was saying her ear hurt really bad. Turns out it was strep, and it had made the whole left side of her jaw swell up like a little chipmunk. I've never seen her so sick...she spent four days on the couch or her bed doing absolutely nothing in between hours and hours of naps.


Brandon and I played a game of Risk...I swear those dice are rigged. It's the weirdest thing. I think I roll a 5 or a 6 almost every time I roll. Brandon handles it well...a lot better than I would handle it, but I feel horrible. I'm not even trying and I kick his booty every time.



Beckett spent the weekend being adorable as usual, and hopefully not getting sick from Piper. I think I want to start sleep training him, but I'm not sure. I'm gonna talk to his doctor tomorrow about it. I just want to make sure he doesn't still need those bottles in the middle of the night.