Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Yesterday.

Saturday afternoon I started getting these cramping pains in my abdomen...they went away for a few hours, but came back that night and ended up waking me up a few times. Woke up Sunday...same thing. I thought I was constipated, so I went out and got an enema...absolutely nothing came out so I knew that wasn't it. I tried to just relax and went to bed...but after being woken up for the third time at 4AM I knew I needed to go in to the emergency room.

They had me give a urine sample to kinda figure out what was going on. The doc came in and told me the urine came back fine, but it tested positive for a pregnancy test. Not good, since I have an IUD. A pregnancy where an IUD is present typically ends up being an ectopic pregnancy, which basically means it's a pregnancy where the baby is outside of the uterus, typically in a fallopian tube. It can be very dangerous for the mother...if the baby grows large enough it could rupture the fallopian tube kill the mother.

I was sent for an ultrasound (topical and pelvic...super uncomfortable)...but all they could see was a growth that looked like a benign tumor near my right fallopian tube. Couldn't find the baby.

My ER doctor hands my case over to an OBGYN doctor who tells me she wants to send me in for a laproscopic surgery so she can both take a look at the growth and look around for the baby. She said if she found the baby she'd remove it, or if the growth looked dangerous, she'd remove it, but that the whole surgery should last an hour at the most.

Two hours later, I woke up.

My doctor came over and told me the growth was actually the pregnancy, and that it had started to rupture (hence all the pain I was in). She had a bunch of pictures to show me, which was pretty cool.....she showed me what my left fallopian tube looked like, (flat, squishy, empty) then what the right one looked like (stretched super tight with what was obviously an embryo in it). She ended up having to remove my entire right fallopian tube.

The whole day was probably the scariest day of my life. It's still so surreal...I just can't wrap my head around it. I was pregnant. I could have died. I lost my baby.

We are by no means in any way ready to have another child...Beckett isn't even seven months old yet. But still...the fact that I was pregnant and lost a baby....it just hurts so bad. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, what I'm supposed to do, how to move past this. I can't stop kissing and hugging Piper and Beckett, yet every time I do I can't help but think about this baby and what could have been.

I'm probably going to be MIA for a few weeks while I try to deal with all this and recover from the surgery.

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