Friday, May 21, 2010

Keeping my hands busy.

In light of recent events, I've been pretty much moving from my bed to the couch and back to my bed for the past few days. The incisions burn and sting whenever I get up or sit down, so I've been moving as little as possible, and am more thankful now for our brand new comfy cozy bed than I was the first night I slept on it. I've never felt pain in my belly button before...and it is definitely something I could have lived without.

Physically I'm feeling better each day, which is great, since I was sick of lying around all day by Tuesday afternoon. I'm actually considering sneaking out for a pedicure tomorrow...I could use some pampering. I'm mostly just tired, and sore, and my hormones are going crazy so I'm definitely riding the mood swing roller coaster.

I've needed something to keep my hands busy though, and the baby blanket I was working on (to sell on Etsy) just wasn't cutting it, so I dug out some yarn and set to work.

I bought these twelve skeins of blues, greens, browns, and a red and a purple on sale while Brandon was deployed. I meant to make us an afghan for our bedroom. Then Brandon came home and surprised me with a new bedroom set and I forgot all about the yarn and bought a comforter set which I've fallen in love with. So now I think this super soft cuddly yarn will make a lovely living-room afghan, and possibly a couple cushions if I'm lucky.

I've got 18 squares down already...the first 12 took a while since I had to figure out the colors. Each color is used once in each position (center, middle, and outer) and no two of the original 12 use the same 3 colors (if that makes sense...). It's going fairly quickly now that I have to just make these 12 squares over and over.

Having something else to concentrate on...something immediate and concrete to focus my attention on has helped me cope immensely. The despair I felt when I realized I was losing a child I never wanted in the first place has lessened. I've started to realize this pregnancy was never going to live, whether it was planned or not, and nothing I could have done would have changed that. I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting the baby...for that short burst of relief I felt when it was clear it was an ectopic pregnancy and not just a very early pregnancy in my uterus. What I went through is not the same as an abortion. I don't know if the baby's heart was beating or not, but either way, it wouldn't have been for much longer...and if it had, it could have stopped mine. I don't feel completely at peace with what happened, but I am getting there, and that in itself gives me peace.

It is, however, just now dawning on me that I am missing a fallopian tube. I know, it seems silly, but I have been focusing so much on losing a baby that I completely forgot about losing a body part.

I just want to say thank you for all of your support and your kind words. I've read everything you all have written to me many times...I haven't been able to respond individually to all of you because honestly I just haven't been strong enough to find the right words to say, but I want you to know I do appreciate your notes very much.

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