I've been in a funk these past few days. I won't go into too much detail on here, simply because I'm not exactly sure who reads this and I don't want to cause unnecessary drama. Let's just say that old feelings of inadequacy I thought I had dealt with (or at least buried deep enough to be able to ignore) have resurfaced, and something I was very much looking forward to has quickly become something I am dreading.
What do you do when someone hurts you unknowingly, and has been for as long as you can remember? Do you confront them? And if so, do you try and think of every little incident you can think of over the past twenty years or do you just focus on the latest incident? Because the latest doesn't seem like that big of a deal all by itself...but bringing up everything all at once feels like an attack instead of an attempt at a healthy relationship.
I think I've gotten over the whole "I'll never be good enough" way of thinking; I've realized that it's true...I never will be good enough for this person, but I AM good enough for my husband and my children and they are the ones that matter. What hurts now is the blatant disrespect, the inconsiderate behavior, the selfishness, the laziness, how horribly this person treats others I love, and how very sad that makes me feel.
I'm trying to stay positive...trying so very hard to keep the bad memories and old tears hidden away in their secret little hiding places deep inside my heart. Trying not to spend the next few months in a constant state of anxiety over something I cannot control. Trying to focus on what is good in my life...my loving husband, my sweet children.
But today, I feel as gloomy as the view outside my window...cloudy, rainy, wet...sad.