Friday, July 30, 2010

The calm in the storm.

Wednesday night at 6:14 a C-17 doing a practice flight for the air show this weekend went down; the 4-man crew died. There was no way for them to get out...C-17s are cargo planes...cavernous, windowless planes so huge it seems impossible they are even able to fly.

The pilot was practising a "touch and go" maneuver, and on the take off, banked too hard and ended up flipping the plane.

Brandon is on the Search and Recovery team.

He's out there looking for the remains of these four airmen as I type this.

I can't even begin to imagine what he's going through...what he will go through these next few days. I'm sure he'll see things that'll haunt his dreams for who knows how long. I'm so proud of him for being so willing to do what is asked of him...not once has he complained about being chosen for this duty. Not even after working from 0500-1900 yesterday with a two hour break in the middle.

It'll be another long day for him today...he was driving the first body to the hospital when I last heard from him.

I'm trying to make our home the calm in his stormy days...keeping things picked up, entertaining the kids so he can relax when he is here...but I just feel so very helpless. I feel like I should be doing more. I want to be out there with him, holding his hand, helping him get through this, and it hurts that I can't.

I'm so proud of my husband, proud of his sacrifice, his courage, his strength, his willingness to do what he can for the families of the airmen who lost their lives so unexpectedly.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I only miss one thing about being pregnant...

And that one thing is the lack of a bleeding vagina.

Periods are the worst.

Just sayin.

Friday, June 25, 2010

A hard time.

I've been having a really hard time this past few days.

I don't even know what exactly is wrong, which is making it extremely difficult to remedy the situation.

At first I thought it was stress and anxiety over our family coming to visit next week...but lately I think I just miss my friend.

I miss having someone to talk to that understands me...that cares about the same things I do...that listens to what I have to say and offers appropriate advice and/or comments.

Of course I have my husband, whom I love dearly, but there's only so much he can do. He's at work all day while I'm at home with a moody 4 year old, a teething 8 month old, and a messy house that absolutely HAS to be cleaned by next Tuesday. Not to mention the things I'd rather be doing...like crocheting new products for my etsy store, or playing a video game without having to answer a million questions, or work out without having to make sure the kids are entertained, or take a shower, or eat a meal without having to share tiny little bites with the puppy dog baby bouncing up and down at my knees.

Because I can't do any of those things, I end up not wanting to do anything. I end up wanting to crawl into bed and cry.

I know it's affecting my relationship with the rest of the family, especially with my husband. But what can I do? I tried to get the few friends I do have together for a picnic today, but most can't make it. I tried to spend the afternoon outside yesterday, but Beckett wouldn't have it. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how to fix myself.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Long time no see.

It's been a while, my friend...I fell out of my weekly routine while recovering from my little hospital adventure a few weeks ago. I still can't believe all that happened less than a month ago...it feels like it's been months. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I haven't really been up to much. I opened an Etsy shop, sophieplayshooky.etsy.com . I'm still in the process of filling it up, then I'll focus more on promoting and trying to get more traffic. I did, however, purchase this:

and have been making lots of yummy goodies, including:



pancakes......and:



Bacon!!! Is that not the cutest thing ever??


I'm working on a "Welcome Baby" gift for my dear Manda who is moments away from greeting her little Dominic as I type this. It feels weird not being able to go visit her or help her...she moved to Vegas a couple months ago. I miss her terribly; it's lonely without my Target buddy living around the corner from me. But, that's the military, and I know we'll be friends for years to come.

Anyway, I'm off to snuggle with the hubs (who tested for Staff today, by the way...we find out if he made it in August) while we finish season 2 of Bones.

Happy thoughts to all.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Keeping my hands busy.

In light of recent events, I've been pretty much moving from my bed to the couch and back to my bed for the past few days. The incisions burn and sting whenever I get up or sit down, so I've been moving as little as possible, and am more thankful now for our brand new comfy cozy bed than I was the first night I slept on it. I've never felt pain in my belly button before...and it is definitely something I could have lived without.

Physically I'm feeling better each day, which is great, since I was sick of lying around all day by Tuesday afternoon. I'm actually considering sneaking out for a pedicure tomorrow...I could use some pampering. I'm mostly just tired, and sore, and my hormones are going crazy so I'm definitely riding the mood swing roller coaster.

I've needed something to keep my hands busy though, and the baby blanket I was working on (to sell on Etsy) just wasn't cutting it, so I dug out some yarn and set to work.


I bought these twelve skeins of blues, greens, browns, and a red and a purple on sale while Brandon was deployed. I meant to make us an afghan for our bedroom. Then Brandon came home and surprised me with a new bedroom set and I forgot all about the yarn and bought a comforter set which I've fallen in love with. So now I think this super soft cuddly yarn will make a lovely living-room afghan, and possibly a couple cushions if I'm lucky.

I've got 18 squares down already...the first 12 took a while since I had to figure out the colors. Each color is used once in each position (center, middle, and outer) and no two of the original 12 use the same 3 colors (if that makes sense...). It's going fairly quickly now that I have to just make these 12 squares over and over.


Having something else to concentrate on...something immediate and concrete to focus my attention on has helped me cope immensely. The despair I felt when I realized I was losing a child I never wanted in the first place has lessened. I've started to realize this pregnancy was never going to live, whether it was planned or not, and nothing I could have done would have changed that. I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting the baby...for that short burst of relief I felt when it was clear it was an ectopic pregnancy and not just a very early pregnancy in my uterus. What I went through is not the same as an abortion. I don't know if the baby's heart was beating or not, but either way, it wouldn't have been for much longer...and if it had, it could have stopped mine. I don't feel completely at peace with what happened, but I am getting there, and that in itself gives me peace.

It is, however, just now dawning on me that I am missing a fallopian tube. I know, it seems silly, but I have been focusing so much on losing a baby that I completely forgot about losing a body part.

I just want to say thank you for all of your support and your kind words. I've read everything you all have written to me many times...I haven't been able to respond individually to all of you because honestly I just haven't been strong enough to find the right words to say, but I want you to know I do appreciate your notes very much.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Yesterday.

Saturday afternoon I started getting these cramping pains in my abdomen...they went away for a few hours, but came back that night and ended up waking me up a few times. Woke up Sunday...same thing. I thought I was constipated, so I went out and got an enema...absolutely nothing came out so I knew that wasn't it. I tried to just relax and went to bed...but after being woken up for the third time at 4AM I knew I needed to go in to the emergency room.

They had me give a urine sample to kinda figure out what was going on. The doc came in and told me the urine came back fine, but it tested positive for a pregnancy test. Not good, since I have an IUD. A pregnancy where an IUD is present typically ends up being an ectopic pregnancy, which basically means it's a pregnancy where the baby is outside of the uterus, typically in a fallopian tube. It can be very dangerous for the mother...if the baby grows large enough it could rupture the fallopian tube kill the mother.

I was sent for an ultrasound (topical and pelvic...super uncomfortable)...but all they could see was a growth that looked like a benign tumor near my right fallopian tube. Couldn't find the baby.

My ER doctor hands my case over to an OBGYN doctor who tells me she wants to send me in for a laproscopic surgery so she can both take a look at the growth and look around for the baby. She said if she found the baby she'd remove it, or if the growth looked dangerous, she'd remove it, but that the whole surgery should last an hour at the most.

Two hours later, I woke up.

My doctor came over and told me the growth was actually the pregnancy, and that it had started to rupture (hence all the pain I was in). She had a bunch of pictures to show me, which was pretty cool.....she showed me what my left fallopian tube looked like, (flat, squishy, empty) then what the right one looked like (stretched super tight with what was obviously an embryo in it). She ended up having to remove my entire right fallopian tube.

The whole day was probably the scariest day of my life. It's still so surreal...I just can't wrap my head around it. I was pregnant. I could have died. I lost my baby.

We are by no means in any way ready to have another child...Beckett isn't even seven months old yet. But still...the fact that I was pregnant and lost a baby....it just hurts so bad. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, what I'm supposed to do, how to move past this. I can't stop kissing and hugging Piper and Beckett, yet every time I do I can't help but think about this baby and what could have been.

I'm probably going to be MIA for a few weeks while I try to deal with all this and recover from the surgery.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day.

I love Mother's Day.

It's become my favorite day in these last four years...because it is all about me.

Does that sound selfish?

Probably.

But it really is the one day out of the year that is all about me, and I love it, even though each year I inevitably end up going to bed disappointed.

I go out of my way to make my family's special days just that...special...and so every year I hope and wait for something special to happen on MY one special day. I don't even know what exactly I would want to happen...just SOMETHING to make it seem like it was a special day...something to make it different from the other 365 days of the year.

I woke up to my family's smiling faces, a plate of scrambled eggs and a couple sausage links, the smell of a fresh pot of coffee lingering in the air, and two adorable cards my husband picked out from the kids. It was very sweet, and I'm very thankful, but I guess I just wanted more. I wanted to go for a walk, to find a new playground, to go to lunch, to walk around the market...ANYTHING.

But we didn't.

It's not my husband's fault. He tries. He thinks I want him to buy me jewelry or flowers or expensive things, so because we don't always have the money to pay for those things, he doesn't do anything. I try to explain to him that I just want us to do something we don't usually do...but he just has a hard time thinking of those things.

He doesn't see an afternoon at a park the same way I do, and probably never will.

So, we spent the day at home.

Piper took a three hour nap since she woke up at 6 AM and was still in a bad mood when she woke up.

Beckett is finally cutting his first tooth (it's been doing jumping jacks in his gums for the past two months) so he's a grump face too.

By the time we got Piper in the bathtub and into clean clothes it was already 6:30 and no one was making any effort to get out of the house, so I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner and laughed at SNL with my husband.

I put some laundry away, got the kids to bed, and curled up into bed with my kindle while Brandon curled up next to me with Harry Potter.

It was a mundane Mother's Day, a grumpy Mother's Day, a sleepy Mother's Day, but it was Mother's Day nonetheless. I hope you all had a wonderful one...and that next year, mine will be a little more special.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Alone.

I'm just gonna say it...I love being alone.

I really, really do.

Of course I love not being alone too...I love our little family of four and treasure any time spent with them.

There's just something about those rare, stolen minutes when I have nothing to think about but myself, no one to please than myself, no one to take care of but myself. Whether it's a trip to the grocery store, a doctor's appointment, or a walk after dinner, I live for these moments.

It's what I miss most about my life before the words 'wife' and 'mother' applied to me.

It's the only thing I miss.

Because this life...this husband...this son and daughter...THIS is happiness.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Last Weekend.

This weekend was a good weekend, ableit an eventful one. Piper came down with the worst case of strep throat I've ever seen...at first we thought it was an earache since she was saying her ear hurt really bad. Turns out it was strep, and it had made the whole left side of her jaw swell up like a little chipmunk. I've never seen her so sick...she spent four days on the couch or her bed doing absolutely nothing in between hours and hours of naps.


Brandon and I played a game of Risk...I swear those dice are rigged. It's the weirdest thing. I think I roll a 5 or a 6 almost every time I roll. Brandon handles it well...a lot better than I would handle it, but I feel horrible. I'm not even trying and I kick his booty every time.



Beckett spent the weekend being adorable as usual, and hopefully not getting sick from Piper. I think I want to start sleep training him, but I'm not sure. I'm gonna talk to his doctor tomorrow about it. I just want to make sure he doesn't still need those bottles in the middle of the night.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Arizona.

I don't really consider myself to be all that political, but I do pay attention to what is going on, and I typically form my own opinion about most scandals/issues/events. I like to gather as much information before I decide where I stand...I'm not one to blindly listen to some political commentator who's paid way too much for nothing more than brainwashing anyone who's willing to listen.

That being said, this crap Arizona is pulling is so unbelievably ridiculous I literally am left speechless. I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts, my feelings into words.

I cannot believe anyone thinks this is okay.

I really can't.

I cannot imagine living in a country where it is okay for a policeman to stop someone on the street and demand to see their identification simply because they look like they're from a different country.

What happened to The Great American Melting Pot?

I understand we have a big problem with illegal immigrants. I understand it's typically a bigger problem in the southern states.

But is it such a big problem that the only solution is to resort to racial profiling?

Does this country really need another enemy?

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Earthquake Park

Piper and I snuck out of the house today to enjoy the sunshine and check out Earthquake Park on the west side of Anchorage. We walked quite a bit of the Coastal Trail...I wasn't sure Piper was going to make it back the whole way to the car but she's a trooper.


She had lots of fun making footprints in the snow.

And was clearly thrilled to stop running around long enough to take a photo with her momma.

Out there in the distance is Mt McKinley...I could barely see it too so don't worry if you cant.

Don't you just love her little hat and hoodie? It's gonna be a sad day when she won't let me pick out her clothes anymore.

These trees were so gorgeous.

I couldn't get enough of the green on blue contrast.

Obviously.

This is what the earth did back in 1964...how terrifying would it be to experience an earthquake of this magnitude?

And this is my favorite photo of the day. She's growing up so fast...I look at her and can't believe four years have already gone by.


I love these little stolen mommy-daughter moments. They've become such a rare thing since Beckett came...in a way it makes me sad, but their rarity makes them that much more treasured.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Sunshiney Day

So Anchorage decided to pay attention to the calendar today and bless us with a cheerful, happy, sunshiney (and a bit chilly) day. We bundled up and headed out front for the first of many trips to the playground this spring/summer.


I picked up the ShakeitPhoto app for my iPhone, and needless to say, I've been playing with it all day.



Beckett looks kinda ghostly in this one, but I like it.



Our afternoon in the sunshine made me realize how much I love my Kindle...I had absolutely zero issues finishing The Unit by Ninni Holmqvist (highly recommended, by the way) in the brightest of bright Alaskan Sunshine, but could barely make out the screen on my iPhone. Win for the Kindle.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Lazy days.

I've declared today a Lazy Day, which basically means I won't be taking a shower, because this particular Lazy Day will be full of a small amount of both the washing and putting away of this:



And even though it's not my responsibility since we have an arrangement (the hubs does the dishes, I empty the dishwasher), these:


And hopefully a whole lot of this to top it all off:




Don't you just love Lazy Days?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Funkalicious.

I've been in a funk these past few days. I won't go into too much detail on here, simply because I'm not exactly sure who reads this and I don't want to cause unnecessary drama. Let's just say that old feelings of inadequacy I thought I had dealt with (or at least buried deep enough to be able to ignore) have resurfaced, and something I was very much looking forward to has quickly become something I am dreading.

What do you do when someone hurts you unknowingly, and has been for as long as you can remember? Do you confront them? And if so, do you try and think of every little incident you can think of over the past twenty years or do you just focus on the latest incident? Because the latest doesn't seem like that big of a deal all by itself...but bringing up everything all at once feels like an attack instead of an attempt at a healthy relationship.

I think I've gotten over the whole "I'll never be good enough" way of thinking; I've realized that it's true...I never will be good enough for this person, but I AM good enough for my husband and my children and they are the ones that matter. What hurts now is the blatant disrespect, the inconsiderate behavior, the selfishness, the laziness, how horribly this person treats others I love, and how very sad that makes me feel.

I'm trying to stay positive...trying so very hard to keep the bad memories and old tears hidden away in their secret little hiding places deep inside my heart. Trying not to spend the next few months in a constant state of anxiety over something I cannot control. Trying to focus on what is good in my life...my loving husband, my sweet children.

But today, I feel as gloomy as the view outside my window...cloudy, rainy, wet...sad.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Lately.

I've been thinking a bit about what I want to do with my life lately...is this it? Part of me feels like I'd be failing if I ended up doing nothing more than being a mother and a wife. I'm lost as to exactly whom I'd be failing, however. Myself? My children? My parents? My husband? I honestly can't think of a career I'd want to go to everyday more than I want to be home for my children when they step off the school bus, make dinner for my husband every night, volunteer in classrooms and chaperone on field trips, bake goodies for bake sales, and make sure our home is a warm, happy place for all. I wonder if I'd feel this way if my mother had been a career-woman. I can feel her influence in my parenting; I feel as if I'm a failure if I even think about purchasing a birthday cake instead of making it myself. I know mom never meant for me to feel that way, but because she always did everything from scratch, I feel like I must.

I'm just rambling, really...the kids keep distracting me so I'm sure this is as incoherent as the thoughts running through my mind. It's a boring, lazy day today; we woke to 3 inches of snow and huge flakes still falling out of the sky. It's April, for Christ's sake. I'm so glad this is our last year here.