Friday, September 18, 2009

My love,

We found out today you’ll be on your way to Iraq next week. That’s right, next week. As in 7 days from today. As in 7 weeks from our little Beckett’s due date.

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions today…apprehensive, tearful, empowered, heartbroken, overwhelmed. I look at Piper and can’t help but dread hearing her little voice ask when you are coming home. My heart breaks when I look into her eyes and try to explain to her that you are going away for a long time…my brain scrambles for some way to explain to a three-year-old that you are leaving because you have to, because this is the life we signed up for, because you love your country, because you love us.

I’ve broken down a few times today, and although I’d like to blame it on the hormones, I know it wouldn’t all be true.

I know I can do this. I am an Air Force wife. I know I am strong enough to handle whatever is thrown at me. I know I can take care of Piper and Beckett by myself; if I didn’t think I could handle two kids, I wouldn’t have had another child. I know I can pay the bills and get Piper to school and finish getting the house ready for Beckett. I know I can do the paperwork, I can handle the doctor’s appointments, I can even shovel the snow and take out the trash. I know I can do these things, and so I don’t want you to worry.

What scares me is the other things I know: how very much I will miss seeing your face everyday, how lonely our bed is going to feel every night, how emotionally draining giving birth to our son will be without you there. How every milestone he reaches while you are gone will be like a dagger to my heart…because you won’t be here. How eventually I will find myself missing things like tripping over your boots or finding your socks all over the living room. How the little things, like the fact that we will need to buy less burritos and ramen, are going to be the hardest.

I love you, Brandon…more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. You are my best friend, my partner, my everything. I will miss you more than you will ever know. I will be strong for you, for our kids. But just know that inside, I will be counting down the days until you are by my side again.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Deployment.

Brandon was told yesterday morning he would be going to Iraq next week for a four month deployment.

We knew he was eligible to deploy this month; it was his flight’s turn to go…but they had already tasked everyone and Brandon was not chosen. Then H1N1 hit the dorms. An airman caught it, and because she’s sick, she can’t deploy. Brandon gets to go in her place.

Obviously we’re sad about the whole situation. Brandon’s going to miss not only the birth but the first few months of our little Beckett’s life. We knew what we were getting into when he enlisted…we knew this day would come and will probably come more than once throughout his career. I think it’s just the short notice that is making this deployment so difficult…that and those damned pregnancy hormones.

We’re trying to be positive…trying to find the good points, and surprisingly, there are more than I realized. Although I would much rather have my husband with me, our financial situation will be drastically improved during these four short months apart. It’s already benefitted us; Brandon was issued four new sets of ABU’s, two new pairs of boots, gortex gear, and more….over $1000 worth of uniforms we won’t have to purchase in the future. I’ll be able to pay off a few of our debts while he’s gone, and the kids and I will have plenty of “fun money” to keep us distracted. I’ll have less laundry and dishes to do…and won’t have to shuttle Brandon to and from work whenever I want to leave the house during the week.

I’m going to miss him terribly, of course. We did go to Best Buy last night and purchase a netbook for him to take…he’ll have internet access which will help with the distance.

I’m not worried about doing everything alone; between friends and people in Brandon’s squadron I’m fully expecting to have TOO much help rather than not enough. My mom is going to come visit too…which I think is going to help Piper, who’s little three-year-old mind is going to have to adjust to not only a little brother but daddy being gone too. I worry about her, mostly. We tried to talk to her yesterday, but I just don’t think she understands.

I don’t want anyone to worry about us; we’ll be fine and Brandon will be completely safe. He probably won’t even leave the base the whole time he’s there.

Anyway…just thought I’d let you guys know what was going on.