Friday, February 27, 2009

Dear Little Bean,

We’ve waited so long for you, Little Bean, and I absolutely cannot wait to hold you in my arms. Fingers crossed these next eight months just fly by, because I have already waited 15 months for you.

You’ve been growing for five weeks now, and are about the size of a sesame seed. I’m definately feeling pregnant…I actually just woke up from a 2.5 hour nap, during which I didn’t even hear the phone ring.

Luckily your sister, Piper, is such a good kid; she played with her puzzles and toys and watched cartoons while I slept.

You’re going to love Piper. She’s a sweetheart, and she’ll teach you everything you ever wanted to know, and probably the things you didn’t want to know either. I can already imagine the two of you running and hiding together when Daddy gets home from work…I can hear the giggles in the bathtub…even the arguments in your bedroom.

We’re so ready for you to join our family, Little Bean. I don’t even care if you are a boy or a girl…just come home to us healthy, happy, and ready to be loved like crazy.

Because I already love every little, tiny bit of your sesame-seed-sized self.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

BFP!

YAY!!!
YAY!!!
ohmygodi’msoexcitedicanhardlystanditohmygodohmygodohmygodi’mgonnahaveanotherbaby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I changed my mind about ClearBlue Digital pregnancy tests, by the way.

Seeing “Pregnant” is much more rewarding than seeing two lines.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Not Pregnant.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant again for 15 months exactly tomorrow. 15 months.

Granted, we haven’t gone as far as taking a BBT daily, and I have had a significantly difficult time having regular periods, let alone ovulating (still trying to figure that one out)…but it hurts.

Especially on afternoons like today…when a seemingly innocent trip to the library turns into me staring longingly at the miracle of life displayed all around me in all stages.

I’m not exaggerating in the least: First, a woman about 5-6 months along sat next to us with her son and did a couple puzzles with Piper. Then, a woman who looked ready to BURST walked by us…and the first mother and I shared sympathetic looks. After the first mother left, (Piper really likes to do puzzles..we were there for a while) a woman, carting four small children, mind you, looked to be in the beginning stages of yet another baby. Although, to be honest, that might just be what one’s tummy looks like after popping out four small children so close together.

Then, just when I thought I was surrounded by enough reminders of my empty womb, yet another woman was getting cozy with her brand-new-adorable-bundle-of-love on one of the reclining chairs meant for reading, not showing off tiny little newborns.

I want another baby…more now that it’s taken so long for us to get pregnant already. We got preggers with Piper so quickly, I just assumed it would work the same way with baby #2. And now that it hasn’t…I feel like I’m in a fight to the death against my uterus.

On a lighter side, (somewhat) I did have a regular, non-drug-induced period in January, take a total of 500 mg of Clomid (per my doc, of course), and perfectly timed intercourse with hubby…and still no period. If I were to have another regular period, it would come any day now.

Piper and I stopped at Walmart on the way home to purchase a box of pregnancy tests. I opted for the ClearBlue Digital…since a pack of FIVE was only $20. 5 tests! Yay! I took one when we got home; maybe it was all the pregnancy hormones I absorbed for two hours, but I was feeling pretty damned hopeful.

The first one had an error…apparently I am peeing-on-a-sick impaired. The second, a couple hours later, read NotPregnant.

Kinda harsh.

I don’t think I’ll buy this brand again. Somehow seeing the words NotPregnant hurts more than seeing only one line or seeing one line and one mostly opacent line.

So now, I’m left to deal with body-crippling fatigue and appetite-killing nausea, both of which, unfortunately, could mean I’m pregnant OR expecting the blood to start flowing any day now.

I hate my body.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"Look Mommy!"

So I’ve been a mother for going on three years now, and I think I’ve pretty much got it down.
Granted, the job changes and evolves faster than my creatures on Spore do, but that’s okay; I like change. I get pretty bored when things don’t change.

That being said, I’m not a big fan of this new stage of motherhood…the stage where my almost-three-year-old can make my face turn a brighter shade of red than the period stain on my chair in a student goverment meeting freshman year in High School.

Twice in one day my lovely, adorable, sweetheart of a daughter managed to embarass the living shit out of me.

The first incident happened at Target. Target holds a special place in my heart. Simply put, I love everything about that store. Imagine my dismay when, after using the handy Store Locater dealy, I found out there was no Target in Anchorage, Alaska, and, subsequently, my elation upon finding out after moving here they are indeed building a Target!

Piper, fortunately, shares my love for all things Target, although I suspect this has more to do with their massive toy selection and less to do with the fantastic home decor and purses. We probably visit Target a few times a month…Piper gets to play with toys for a while, and I get to dream about the day when I can afford to decorate my house the way I want it decorated. On this particular visit, we grabbed a cart and kept walking straight, with the women’s clothes on the right and the purses on the left. Piper was having fun pointing out the different colored purses as we strolled by, and I humored her while scanning the swimsuits and clearance clothes.

Then, it happened.

She grabbed my hand, tugged a little, pointed with her free hand, and yelled in the loudest voice she could muster, “Look, Mommy! BOOBS!!”

You see, we had made it further into the store…and while I was still glancing over clothes racks, Piper was noticing the bras.

I’m not sure how many people heard her, but there were two employees walking towards us, and one of them chuckled as he made his way past us.

The second most embarassing moment of my life happened in the public bathroom at Best Buy. We were picking out our new laptop, and I had to go potty, so, to save my husband the hassle of comparing features of laptops while trying to entertain a two year old, I took Piper with me.

Turns out I had to go number two. Which is cool, whatever…I’ve never been weird about going number two in a public place. A toilet is a toilet, right?

So I finish my business, and I’m wiping, and I brought the tissue in front of me so I could fold it over and use it again (I have an odd fear of clogging public toilets and tend to use as little tissue as possible), and my darling daughter, once again in the loudest voice she can muster, yells, “EWWW!!! You pooped!”

Once again, I was rewarded with chuckles from the other bathroom attendees, while I quietly whispered to Piper, “DON’T SAY THAT!!!”

Ahhhh….motherhood.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

long time no see!

Hello all my lovelies!

Brandon and I did our taxes already and got our refund a couple days ago; we splurged and bought a laptop (after paying off bills, of course...aren't we responsible adults?). I'm thrilled, because this means I can once again be addicted to the internet without feeling like a pervert holed away in a cold, unfinished basement.

YAY!

So, update, everything's fantastic. Piper is almost THREE YEARS OLD, which blows my mind. She's the funniest little kid I've ever met. She's also getting quite good at embarassing the shit out of me on a regular basis. The other day, we were at Target, and while I was looking at my clothes, she turned around and pointed across the aisle towards the bras and yelled in her loudest three-year-old voice, "Look mommy! BOOBS!!!"

I love being a mom.

Speaking of which, yes, we're still trying to get pregnant again. No, I'm not currently pregnant. I lost the baby back in November. I know, it's horrible and really really sad, and although I can't say "It's okay", it is. We're on clomid, so hopefully something will happen. I've been so effing baby hungry for a year now...it's crazy.

Brandon's set to deploy next September, which means if we do get pregnant in these next few months, he'll prob miss the birth...but he should be able to come home for a couple weeks, which will be cool. If I'm not 9 months pregnant, I'm planning on coming home for the holidays next year; as much fun as it would be, I'm not having Christmas and Thanksgiving all alone with Piper.

Life is good though. I'm not working, which means my house is actually clean...which makes me happy because it seems the older I get the more of a clean freak I become. I hate it, but at least my house is clean.

There are tons of new pictures on our website... www.easysite.com/jefferyfamily , and I've started a blog at http://sophiejay.wordpress.com/ . Fair warning, I swear a lot and don't plan on censorin myself, so if you don't want to read stuff like that, then don't. I am, however, trying to lose weight again and will be weighing in and such there.

Hope you guys are doing well, and that you don't hate me for not really using myspace for 6 months. :D    

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Angry.

Now that I’m embarking on this new quest towards a skinny Sophie, I’m thinking there are some other things I should tackle in my life as well. For instance, the fact that I am angry 19 hours out of every day. I don’t know why…I just get so irritated with EVERYTHING. The cat, the dog hair that seems to gravitate towards all MY things, my husband, my daughter, dumbass pickup truck drivers who think they own the road just because they have 4 wheel drive…even a slow computer has been known to send me off the handle.

The worst part about it is the anger alone angers me even more. I end up going to bed at night wondering where this rage comes from, and if I will one day lose my husband and/or daughter because of it. I lived with an angry mother, and that is the last thing I want for my child.

This is me making an honest attempt at a more patient lifestyle…a step towards angerless parenting (until she is a teenager, at least)…a journey towards becoming a better wife, and somehow more importantly, a better mother. I need to find another outlet for my rage; yelling is not working. So this is what I will do when the anger starts a-boiling:
Come here and vent to you.
Go to the gym and sweat it out.
Lock myself in the bathroom with a tub full of hot water and a glass of wine.

Pray for me.