Friday, September 18, 2009

My love,

We found out today you’ll be on your way to Iraq next week. That’s right, next week. As in 7 days from today. As in 7 weeks from our little Beckett’s due date.

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions today…apprehensive, tearful, empowered, heartbroken, overwhelmed. I look at Piper and can’t help but dread hearing her little voice ask when you are coming home. My heart breaks when I look into her eyes and try to explain to her that you are going away for a long time…my brain scrambles for some way to explain to a three-year-old that you are leaving because you have to, because this is the life we signed up for, because you love your country, because you love us.

I’ve broken down a few times today, and although I’d like to blame it on the hormones, I know it wouldn’t all be true.

I know I can do this. I am an Air Force wife. I know I am strong enough to handle whatever is thrown at me. I know I can take care of Piper and Beckett by myself; if I didn’t think I could handle two kids, I wouldn’t have had another child. I know I can pay the bills and get Piper to school and finish getting the house ready for Beckett. I know I can do the paperwork, I can handle the doctor’s appointments, I can even shovel the snow and take out the trash. I know I can do these things, and so I don’t want you to worry.

What scares me is the other things I know: how very much I will miss seeing your face everyday, how lonely our bed is going to feel every night, how emotionally draining giving birth to our son will be without you there. How every milestone he reaches while you are gone will be like a dagger to my heart…because you won’t be here. How eventually I will find myself missing things like tripping over your boots or finding your socks all over the living room. How the little things, like the fact that we will need to buy less burritos and ramen, are going to be the hardest.

I love you, Brandon…more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. You are my best friend, my partner, my everything. I will miss you more than you will ever know. I will be strong for you, for our kids. But just know that inside, I will be counting down the days until you are by my side again.

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