Saturday, May 16, 2009

16 weeks down, 24 to go.

People keep asking me how I feel (which is, THE question to ask a pregnant woman..right along with “How far along are you?” and “What are you having?”), and honestly, I feel fantastic. Sure, some afternoons I feel so sleep deprived I feel like I’ve already had the baby. Sure, my ‘girls’ are still super sensitive and I want to die when even the shower water hits them. Sure, I’ve lost every ounce of patience I ever had and last week had such a horrible day I spent half an hour at bedtime cuddling and apologizing to Piper for being so angry all day.

But honestly, I feel fantastic.

I’m in my 16th week now, and will be four months along in a week. I’m thrilled that I’ve only gained about 3-4 pounds, considering the fact that somedays I look 6-7 months pregnant already. I can feel the baby moving, especially after a big glass of juice or a piece of fruit. I’ve really only been craving drinks (iced tea, root beer, gatorade, etc.), and rarely does fast food appeal to me. I can’t even really handle sweets…I can only eat one or two oreos or half a cupcake before I feel like I’m going to puke.

It’s crazy how very different this pregnancy is from Piper’s. Really, it’s the exact opposite. I can’t even remember the last time I cried; I was lucky to go two days without crying with Piper. I actually had to go back on anti-depressants while pregnant with Piper. A lot of that probably has to do with the circumstances, though: I was unmarried, her father and I had only been dating for a couple months, I had just quit going to church a few months prior, and was forced to deal with a ridiculous amount of judgement and negativity from people I thought would be my friends for life. This time around, everyone is just thrilled when I tell them the news…which, honestly, makes me a bit sad.

I’ve found myself wishing Piper’s pregnancy was like this one, in that aspect. I wish everyone was as excited to meet her as they are to meet her brother/sister. I wish I would have felt as elated as I did when I saw this baby’s positive pregnancy test…instead of curling up into a ball and feeling like my life was over, as I did with Piper. It took me a long time to get to the point where deep down I felt like I WANTED Piper. I spent so much time and energy convincing everyone else it was going to be okay that I really never took the time to convince myself.

I think part of me will always feel a little guilty for not taking the time to really grow to love Piper while she was growing inside me. Of course I loved her the second I saw her…I still love her more than life itself.

I just wish I had been happier about her pregnancy.

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