Friday, April 24, 2009

What was I thinking?!

I’m blaming pregnancy brain for my momentary lapse in judgement last week at Walmart when Piper asked for a toy and I suggested a squirt gun. A squirt gun, when we live in a state that is essentially a snow globe…where it is warm enough outside for t-shirts maybe 2 months out of the year…where I have become what is quite possibly the palest version of myself after living here for more than a year.

At least I was smart enough to make her promise not to squirt me with the stupid thing. The only downside to this is that from the second Daddy walks in the door to the second I finally get her tucked into bed, Piper is asking, “Please I gotta squirt Daddy?”

As I see it, I have three choices:
1. Smash the damn thing into a billion pieces of cheap florescent yellow plastic.
2. Ignore the begging and keep saying, “Maybe if it’s above 40 degress tomorrow we can take it outside.”
3. Finally quit being such a mean mom and learn to live with soaking wet couches, carpet, glasses, and laptops.

Who needs to be dry anyway?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Dear Little Baby Jeffery,

Hello my darling child! I have lots of exciting things to tell you…but I’ll start off with how freaking cute you are! We had our first appointment last week, and got to see you for the first time! This is what you look like:
11 weeks

Look how cute you are! Your big ol’ head with your tiny nose and mouth and eyes and your little arms and legs…I cannot wait to squeeze and cuddle the crap out of you.

More good news: You are now 12 weeks old, which not only means the risk of us losing you has dropped considerably, but Mommy is entering the glorious 2nd trimester, during which there is no nausea, enough energy to make it through a busy day, and the return of the desire for things that happen in the bedroom that I will tell you about when you are older. Yay 2nd Trimester!

We’ve also decided that the entire family will be going home this summer. Fair warning, expect a lot of strange hands to be rubbing Mommy’s tummy…Daddy has a BIG family and we will be visiting all of them. They’re all nice, I promise.

And now, I have a favor to ask you. Little Baby Jeffery, your Daddy really wants a son, and I don’t know if he’s going to want to have another kid after this. Most of that is my fault; your Mommy has become a huge bitch this pregnancy, and considering I spent Piper’s pregnancy crying over every little thing, I’m not sure which is worse…and I’m sure Daddy doesn’t want to go through either again. It’s not fun.

I know it’s already been decided and it’s completely Daddy’s fault if you are a little girl, but if you have any say-so whatsoever, could you please be a little boy? For Daddy? Of course we will love you either way, and I personally will be thrilled to have another manicure partner, but Daddy really needs someone to do yucky boy things like paintballing and fishing and playing bloody video games with.

So anyway, I asked, and this way Daddy can’t be mad if you aren’t a boy. Not that he’ll be mad if you’re a girl, but you know what I mean.

I love you, Little Baby Jeffery, and am counting down the months until I get to hold you.

Friday, April 10, 2009

A list of things that have always annoyed me, but doubly so now that I'm growing a baby.

1. The fact that my basement is a freezer, the main floor is perfect, and the top floor is a sauna…and I can’t do a damn thing to change it.

2. The dog owners down the street who think it’s okay to let their HUGE dog (who, by the way, makes a habit of jumping over the fence and roaming the neighborhood until they decide to round him up again) BARK and BARK and BARK for hours on end every morning, noon, and dinnertime.

3. On the subject of animals, my cat’s incessant meowing as she tries to trip me down the stairs every.single.morning. Look, Phoebe, I know you’re hungry. I know your food bowl is empty. I also know that you know that the first thing I do every.single.morning is fill your bowl with food. Calm.the.fuck.down.

4. The fact that Piper STILL isn’t potty trained, and has, for some reason, completely undone any progress we had made over these past six months.

5. Never-ending chores like dishes and laundry.

6. Cooking what I think is a great dinner, only to have my daughter and husband-who-is-pickier-than-Piper only eat the starch.

7. My mom sends my daughter a package that’s either filled with crap from the dollar store or things that I should buy her as her mother (the latter occurs mostly around holidays, and some examples include pajamas for Christmas Eve, and, more recently, a chocolate easter bunny which just so happens to be the exact bunny The Easter Bunny is bringing Piper on Sunday.) I know she means well, but if she’d open a savings account for Piper and dump all the money she spends on things that end up in the garbage within a couple weeks, she could buy Piper’s first car.

8. Parents who don’t discipline their children.

9. Parents who don’t watch their children when at a birthday party and leave the three seperate chewed up carrots he has spit onto my living room, kitchen, and dining room floor for me to clean up.

10. The fact that by the time my husband gets home from work I’m so tired and stressed from dealing with the devil-toddler that has replaced my daughter that the last thing I want to think about is fooling around. I miss fooling around so regularly it was all I could think about the second I saw him.

11. Previously mentioned devil-toddler that expects me to call her Piper. Where did my child go??

12. Max and Ruby, and the fact that they don’t have parents but do have a Grandma who lives far away. It’s just…weird.

13. That no matter how many times I vacuum and/or pick up Piper’s toys in the living room, the house is still a mess by the time Brandon gets home.

14. I can’t stay out all day anymore. I was EXHAUSTED yesterday after a trip to Michaels, lunch at Red Robin, and an hour at the mall. Ridiculous.

15. My sister still doesn’t have a job, and doesn’t understand why this is a big deal for more people than just her.

16. My mom and I have all but switched roles.

17. The sheer lack of courteous drivers in Anchorage.

18. The sheer lack of customer service in Alaska. Example: Last night, after waiting 45 minutes for Brandon to be done with work, Piper was crying about being hungry (it was 6:45, and we were stuck in a car. Couldn’t blame her.) I pulled into Burger King across the street and ordered Brandon and Piper dinner…it was 99 cent kids meals when you buy a value meal and I wasn’t hungry for fast food. The chick said my total was $8.48, which is wrong. When I got to the window, again, she said, “$8.48″, so I said, “Isn’t the kids meal 99 cents?” She said, “Yeah.” Long pause, during which she’s still holding out her hand for my debit card. I said, “Then it’s not $8.48.” She ROLLED HER EYES and said, “I haven’t changed it yet.” Like it’s my fault there are five signs that say, “99 cent Kid’s Meals!” between the entrance of the drive-thru and her window. So I handed her my card and said, “You don’t have to be a bitch about it.” Needless to say, she did NOT say, “Have a good night” as I pulled away.

Okay I’m done. Maybe tomorrow I’ll make a list of things that make me smile.