Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Not Pregnant.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant again for 15 months exactly tomorrow. 15 months.

Granted, we haven’t gone as far as taking a BBT daily, and I have had a significantly difficult time having regular periods, let alone ovulating (still trying to figure that one out)…but it hurts.

Especially on afternoons like today…when a seemingly innocent trip to the library turns into me staring longingly at the miracle of life displayed all around me in all stages.

I’m not exaggerating in the least: First, a woman about 5-6 months along sat next to us with her son and did a couple puzzles with Piper. Then, a woman who looked ready to BURST walked by us…and the first mother and I shared sympathetic looks. After the first mother left, (Piper really likes to do puzzles..we were there for a while) a woman, carting four small children, mind you, looked to be in the beginning stages of yet another baby. Although, to be honest, that might just be what one’s tummy looks like after popping out four small children so close together.

Then, just when I thought I was surrounded by enough reminders of my empty womb, yet another woman was getting cozy with her brand-new-adorable-bundle-of-love on one of the reclining chairs meant for reading, not showing off tiny little newborns.

I want another baby…more now that it’s taken so long for us to get pregnant already. We got preggers with Piper so quickly, I just assumed it would work the same way with baby #2. And now that it hasn’t…I feel like I’m in a fight to the death against my uterus.

On a lighter side, (somewhat) I did have a regular, non-drug-induced period in January, take a total of 500 mg of Clomid (per my doc, of course), and perfectly timed intercourse with hubby…and still no period. If I were to have another regular period, it would come any day now.

Piper and I stopped at Walmart on the way home to purchase a box of pregnancy tests. I opted for the ClearBlue Digital…since a pack of FIVE was only $20. 5 tests! Yay! I took one when we got home; maybe it was all the pregnancy hormones I absorbed for two hours, but I was feeling pretty damned hopeful.

The first one had an error…apparently I am peeing-on-a-sick impaired. The second, a couple hours later, read NotPregnant.

Kinda harsh.

I don’t think I’ll buy this brand again. Somehow seeing the words NotPregnant hurts more than seeing only one line or seeing one line and one mostly opacent line.

So now, I’m left to deal with body-crippling fatigue and appetite-killing nausea, both of which, unfortunately, could mean I’m pregnant OR expecting the blood to start flowing any day now.

I hate my body.

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