Wednesday, February 28, 2007

sleepless nights

I've been having a hard time getting myself to sleep at a decent hour lately. Brandon and I have discussed this...all those years of working night jobs and then those months I was on graveyards just screwed me up for life. I get huge bursts of energy around 7PM and am never really ready for bed till after midnight if I'm lucky. It's gotten worse since we moved here...I think that's just cause there's always so much for me to do in our house that I just keep going and going...or at least my mind does.
Alaska is great. Seriously. I love it here. The only thing I don't like is the fact that we only have the one car...cause it means I'm stuck at home when Brandon's at work. He's working graveyards right now, which sucks cause he's not here at night, but is nice cause Piper and I can get out of the house during the day.
Joining the air force was probably the best move Brandon could have made. Our lives have changed for the better in such a short period of time...I honestly can't remember the last time Brandon and I fought about something. It's so nice having actual quality time together as a family. We really feel like this is where we are supposed to be...which is a great feeling.
Piper is talking more and more each day. I can't even begin to describe how great it's been to see her develop and grow these past almost-two-years. She knows most of the parts of her body (eyes, ears, mouth, nose, hair, tummy, fingers, toes, arm)...and is constantly shocking us with some new phrase or word. The other day I was eating a bagel and she looks at me and says, "Mommy, bagel pee?" ("Pee" means "Please" in Piper-speak). I was so proud! I'm sort of half-assed trying to potty-train her. It's hard...but I need to suck it up and just do it.
I'm not working at the moment...I'm taking steps to become a liscenced Family Child Care provider out of my home. It's complicated, but once again, I just need to suck it up and get it done.
I've been having a super hard time with motivation lately...and at least once a week I have a minor-breakdown. I don't know why, and I hate it, but about once a week I wake up and my mind just turns into this crazed, negativity magnet and every thing I see or hear gets somehow distorted into making myself feel shitty about my life/body/mistakes/weight/etc. I don't know if it's the winter or being in a new place or what...but it's driving me nuts and I honestly don't know what to do to change it.
We are kinda sorta trying to get pregnant again...well, we're not doing anything to stop it. Hopefully it'll happen soon, though :).
Anyway, I think I better go to sleep. Rock on.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Sophia Maurita Jeffery

Yeah, it sounds odd, but get used to it cause guess what!!!!!
I'm getting married!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Can you tell I'm excited?

Brandon and I will be tying the knot May 25, 2007 in my mommy and daddy's backyard. And I am oh so freaking stoked.
It's been a wild couple of years for the two of us, and honestly, if we can make it through what we've been through and still love eachother as much as we do, we're gonna make it through anything. So woo hoo!
Mark your calenders folks. And buy me pretty things. lol

Sunday, February 11, 2007

the pursuit of happiness

Crazy chaotic weeks always leave me so pensive and bloggish. (I switched the s and the i around the first time I typed pensive...made me giggle when I re-read it.)
Anyway, like I was saying.
Chaos.
Madness.
A-list-of-things-I-had-to-get-done-that-kept-getting-longer.
Getting in fights with dickfaces at work.
Going back to Logan and spending time with old friends.
Having what is probably as close to a one night stand as I ever will have. Wanting to move to Logan.
Wanting to stay here.
Reviews at work.
Freaking about reviews at work because of aforementioned fights.
Brandon becoming this whole new person I always knew he could be. Scrapbooking an album for Jonna's wedding present.
Finding outfits for Piper, Brandon and I for said wedding.
Finding an outfit for Piper.
Finding something for Piper to wear to the wedding.
(I say it three times because it was that difficult. You don't believe me? Fine. You go and find a black and white dress for a 10 month old little girl.)
Craziness.
I finally figured out why I waited around for Brandon so long, even while he was nothing short of an asshole to me. And oddly enough, I figured it out at Jonna's wedding. We were on our way out, and I stopped to talk to the man I once thought I was going to marry. And I stood there, talking to Daniel for an akward few minutes...and when I looked back and Brandon with Piper in his arms...I thanked God I ended up with Brandon. Simply because I don't have to pretend with him. I don't have to be something I'm not...I can be whoever I want to be and he will love me regardless. I can wear whatever I want, listen to whatever music I want, go to church if I feel like it, or not go if I don't...he wants me to be who I want to be, not who he wants me to be. If that makes sense.
I was thinking about my life...and I realized I can organize my life into five stages:
1. Happy-go-lucky-childhood.
2. Mom-and-I-hate-eachother
3. LDS-churchy-goodness
4. Preggers
5. Happy-go-lucky-post-LDS-churchy-adulthood.
Seeing friends from each category only succeeds in reminding me how very much I have changed over the years. Last night was filled with LDS-churchy-goodness friends...and guess what. I'm not anymore. I realized hanging out with these people (if we ever did hang out again) would be entirely different than it was back then. I mean, here I was, standing with my boyfriend and our daughter born out of wedlock...talking to people who just got back from missions or just got married in the temple. (Thank you, Jonna, for never judging me or the decisions I have made. I love you, doll face.)
And guess which stage I was happiest in? Number 5. Simply for the fact that for the first time in my life, I am who I want to be. Not what anyone else wants...but what I want. I'm not saying what people expect me to say because I am a convert. I'm not making choices based on how mad mom would be at me. And it is simply marvelous.
I really am happy. These past few weeks have been stress-filled madness, but last night lying in bed next to this new and improved Brandon, I realized just how very happy I was. I have a beautiful little girl. I have a boyfriend who has finally realized he loves me as much as I love him. My family is beyond wonderful. I love my job.
Everything is wonderful.
Finally.