Sunday, February 11, 2007

the pursuit of happiness

Crazy chaotic weeks always leave me so pensive and bloggish. (I switched the s and the i around the first time I typed pensive...made me giggle when I re-read it.)
Anyway, like I was saying.
Chaos.
Madness.
A-list-of-things-I-had-to-get-done-that-kept-getting-longer.
Getting in fights with dickfaces at work.
Going back to Logan and spending time with old friends.
Having what is probably as close to a one night stand as I ever will have. Wanting to move to Logan.
Wanting to stay here.
Reviews at work.
Freaking about reviews at work because of aforementioned fights.
Brandon becoming this whole new person I always knew he could be. Scrapbooking an album for Jonna's wedding present.
Finding outfits for Piper, Brandon and I for said wedding.
Finding an outfit for Piper.
Finding something for Piper to wear to the wedding.
(I say it three times because it was that difficult. You don't believe me? Fine. You go and find a black and white dress for a 10 month old little girl.)
Craziness.
I finally figured out why I waited around for Brandon so long, even while he was nothing short of an asshole to me. And oddly enough, I figured it out at Jonna's wedding. We were on our way out, and I stopped to talk to the man I once thought I was going to marry. And I stood there, talking to Daniel for an akward few minutes...and when I looked back and Brandon with Piper in his arms...I thanked God I ended up with Brandon. Simply because I don't have to pretend with him. I don't have to be something I'm not...I can be whoever I want to be and he will love me regardless. I can wear whatever I want, listen to whatever music I want, go to church if I feel like it, or not go if I don't...he wants me to be who I want to be, not who he wants me to be. If that makes sense.
I was thinking about my life...and I realized I can organize my life into five stages:
1. Happy-go-lucky-childhood.
2. Mom-and-I-hate-eachother
3. LDS-churchy-goodness
4. Preggers
5. Happy-go-lucky-post-LDS-churchy-adulthood.
Seeing friends from each category only succeeds in reminding me how very much I have changed over the years. Last night was filled with LDS-churchy-goodness friends...and guess what. I'm not anymore. I realized hanging out with these people (if we ever did hang out again) would be entirely different than it was back then. I mean, here I was, standing with my boyfriend and our daughter born out of wedlock...talking to people who just got back from missions or just got married in the temple. (Thank you, Jonna, for never judging me or the decisions I have made. I love you, doll face.)
And guess which stage I was happiest in? Number 5. Simply for the fact that for the first time in my life, I am who I want to be. Not what anyone else wants...but what I want. I'm not saying what people expect me to say because I am a convert. I'm not making choices based on how mad mom would be at me. And it is simply marvelous.
I really am happy. These past few weeks have been stress-filled madness, but last night lying in bed next to this new and improved Brandon, I realized just how very happy I was. I have a beautiful little girl. I have a boyfriend who has finally realized he loves me as much as I love him. My family is beyond wonderful. I love my job.
Everything is wonderful.
Finally.

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