Sunday, March 19, 2006

I have something to say.

And that something is this:
Thank you to all of you who have been by my side throughout this pregnancy, and double thanks to those of you who are mormon and have not found it necessary to preach eternal damnation to me.
Yes, I am mormon. I was baptized when I was 17. Yes, I made a mistake and had sex before marriage. That mistake ended up in a child, which has unfortunately, brought out the t r u e c o l o r s of some of my friends. Not all of them, but enough to cause me to question whether or not I even want to be a part of this religion (in Utah, at least) anymore. I used to say it was sad when people would let another person force them away from the church...that i couldn't believe someone would give up a life in the gospel because of something one person said or did. I now understand their thinking, because it's not just one person. If one person says it, chances are someone else will too. And so will their parents. And their parent's friends. And their parent's friends kids. And so on.
The other day, I receieved a phone call from a friend of mine. I have known this person since my freshman year in High school, and have always considered him to be my best friend. He actually played an insturmental role in my conversion to the church. He called to see how I was doing, and to say hello, and then as the conversation went on, he practically begged me to put my daughter up for adoption.
When I told him no, that she was my responsibility and since I am able to, I will take care of her myself, he said, "I just think you're going to ruin your life and you don't realize it." How could raising my own daughter with her father possibly ruin my life? If anything, having her living inside of me for nine months and then handing her over to someone else would ruin my life....it's the easy way out, in a way. I make a mistake and instead of accepting responsibility for it and making the best of the situation, I just get rid of it. I could never do that to myself, to her, or to Brandon.
Having a daughter out of wedlock does not make me a bad person. Moving in with her father and creating a safe, loving, family environment for her to grow up in does not make me a bad person. Cricitizing someone for trying to correct their mistakes does, however, make you a bad person.
It blows my mind that people who were once my biggest role models have changed their opinions of me so quickly simply because I am having a little girl before there is a ring on my finger.
I am still the same Sophie. When you see me, I'll still have the same curly hair and short legs and glasses. But now I will have a little girl that calls me Mommy in my arms. And you know what, I'm pretty damned excited about it. It took me a long time (almost the whole pregnancy, actually) to be able to honestly say that. And to my regret, it is because of what those people were saying/writing to me that I had such negative feelings toward my unborn daughter.
Sure, she wasn't planned. Sure, I cried like hell when I found out I was pregnant. But you know what...this little girl is MINE. I made her. I have taken care of her for 8 months now, and I am more than stoked to take care of her for the rest of my life. She is a blessing, and if I am going to lose friends for saying/thinking that, then so be it. You weren't worth it in the first place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you to all of you who have been able to look past the fact that I broke the law of chastity and still remain my friend. I'm still a good person, and if you can't see that, then eff you.