Friday, December 8, 2006

hi.

So it's nearing the end of another year, and since I am stuck-at-home-car-and-baby-less, I figured I would wrap this year up now while I have the chance.
All in all it was a good one, full of enough surprises and challenges to whet my appetite.
I wish I would have done a few things differently, but at the same time, if I hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today.
My best memory of this year would have to be holding my daughter for the first time.
I haven't really given much thought to any other "bests" or "favorites" of this past year.....honestly, it's flown by so fast I couldn't really tell you one way or another.
I'm happy, overall. I wish I had a few more friends, or that a few more of my friends lived down the street and had children too so that we had more to talk about. I wish I had more time to scrapbook. I wish I had the time to go to art shows...to an occasional movie...to a restaraunt I've never been to. I wish I had someone to sleep next to every night.
It's amazing how much having children changes your life. Even when they aren't in the same vicinity as you, they're still there. She's all I really have to talk about anymore, and part of me hates that, mostly because I'm sure I'm a bore to whomever it is I'm speaking to. Whatever.
My mom and I took Piper to see Santa today. She smiled so big. The photographer asked us to just keep coming through the line all day so she felt like she was doing a good job (a lot of kids were scared to smile).
I decorated my first Christmas tree this year. And I made most of the ornaments...cool huh? Here are a couple pictures.


I'm pretty damn proud of it.
Anyway, life is great. I love my job, I love my kid, and for the most part, I love my life. Now if I could only find someone to love me...:-)
Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I wrote something.

how do i get over losing something
i knew i didn't have?
how do i mourn
when the morning began months ago?
i know i should
ache
cry
weep
grieve
the loss of our love
but i feel as if i already have.
i miss him, yes
but not as much as everyone thinks.
i've missed him for months and months and months.
i'm done missing.
but how soon is too soon?
do i want another love
now?
(ever?)
love is
fantastic
safe
comforting
an umbrella on a rainy day
but is it worth the pain when it's over?
yes.
i believe it is.
so when am I ready
to try again?
when I find someone new?
no.
when he finds someone new?
definately no.
when him finding someone new doesn't hurt?
perhaps.
part of me knows it will always hurt.
even just a little.
because i lost him.
i couldn't keep him.
i couldn't give him what he
wanted
needed
desired
loved.
what makes me think
i can give that to anyone?
i have to try.
i think i am ready.
but just to be sure
i will wait
a little longer.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

seems things don't always work out how you plan...

Hello.
So, got some news for you.
I guess Brandon and I are no longer Brandon and I.
He says he doesn't love me any more.
Ouch.
So now I really am a single mommy.
Double ouch.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

it's been a while.

hello my peeps.
i just realized how long it's been since I've posted.
so here I am.
posting.
Piper will be five months old on September 4th, and she is just a character and a half. She's smiling all the time...and has mastered rolling from her back to her tummy (I have a video to post of it...if you're lucky I'll get it up tonight). She loves cartoons, and will sit and play with her toes and/or hands for hours.
We started feeding her baby food a couple weeks ago...so far, she likes oatmeal, squash, and green beans. And blue otter pops. And sucking on pineapple and watermelon.
Her sweet personality just lights up my life.
I got a tattoo last weekend. I wanted to get something for Piper, but not her name. It's cool if other people get their kid's names...but it's not for me. I wanted something that was special to her and me. So I got a sunshine. I call her my sunshine, and sing that song to her, so it was perfect. And it hurt a whole lot less than I thought it was going to.
I'm still working at Fairchild Semiconductor. It's nice, because Brandon and I are on opposite shifts so we don't have to worry about daycare. And i don't feel guilty about leaving her all day, cause she's at home with her daddy.
Speaking of Brandon, he and I are doing great. We moved into our own apartment about a month ago...it's nice to be on our own and starting our lives together as a family. We got a place in Murray...just a little two bedroom apartment, but it's within walking distance of an Albertson's and Murray City Park, which is nice.
My life pretty much consists of work the first half of the week and Piper and Brandon and my family the second half. Which is fine by me.
People still ask me about church, so here is my stance: too many good things have happened in my life as a result of actions that are not condoned by the LDS faith for me to be an active member. I refuse to "mormon bash", because I feel the basic concept of the religion is fundamentally good: solid morals, good family values, acceptance of all race, gender, religion...people. I will say, however, that I still believe in God, and I feel his presence almost every day, which, based on the way I live my life, should not be. I should not "have the holy ghost" with me according to the LDS faith, because I have sex out of wedlock and I have a tattoo and I drink alcohol occasionally.
It is extremely difficult for me to look at my life as it is now and feel I need to repent or that I will not be going to the celesial kingdom or whatever it is that is up there. I have a loving boyfriend who has given me a beautiful daughter. We are devoted to eachother and to raising her together to give her the best life we possibly can. I have a great job, and yes I work on Sunday, but because of this, Brandon, Piper and I are able to spend the end of every week together as a family. No, Brandon and I are not married. But we both feel that because we didn't rush into marriage when we found out we were pregnant, when that day does come, our marriage will be that much stronger because it will be for the right reasons.
I believe in God, with all my heart. How someone can look into a baby's eyes and not believe in Him is beyond me. I believe everything happens for a reason, and that He ultimately knows that reason. It just takes us a little longer to figure it out. I believe in being a good person, in not judging people for what they believe or who they love or what their skin looks like. I believe all things should be taken in moderation. If you can't go a day without a coke or a beer or a cup of coffee, it's time to quit. I believe you should always strive to better yourself, whether through education, excersize or diet. I believe it is a mortal sin to cause any harm to a child, and that the greatest blessing He could ever give us is to be a parent.
I do not regret being baptized into the LDS faith, because if I hadn't, I probably never would have found God, let alone Brandon and my Sunshine.
And that's what I think.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

7 weeks down.

i'm watching walk the line for like the eighth time. i heart johnny cash.
so my daughter is seven weeks old today, and I love her more and more with each passing day.
being a mom is quite possibly the most fulfilling thing I've ever done in my life. i absolutely love every second of it. i'm constantly amazed at how much she loves me already. it blows my mind when she follows my voice around the room.
piper started smiling a couple weeks ago. and it melts my heart every time she does it.
brandon and i are thinking about getting our own place. we really need to do it. it's just hard to feel at home and create your own happy environment for your family when you're living in another family's house. and i'm getting tired of her kids.
i went back to work this week. i'm working at Fairchild Semiconductor. i'm a manufacturing operater. Fairchild makes the computer chips that control power settings in cell phones, laptops, etc. I work in implant, which means i run the machines that add ions to the wafers (what the chips are made on). it's cool. and the benefits are great.
the worst part is that i have to be away from piper for 12 hours 3or4 days a week.
I started scrapbooking. i know. my mom sucked me into her crafty world. took her 22 years, but she finally succeeded.
i'm really excited for warped tour this year. rise against, the academy is, saves the day, less than jake, bouncing souls, and reggie and the full effect will all be there.
if anyone wants to go see over the hedge this weekend, give me a ring.

Sunday, April 9, 2006

no sleep till brooklyn

Well, I did it. I popped out a kid. I know, I can hardly believe it myself. And here I am, five days later, and I still can't believe that the little girl who sleeps all day and keeps mommy and daddy up all night came out of me.
Quite a few people have asked me the whole labor story, so here's how it all happened, for those of you who are curious.
Monday night around midnight (which happened to be my birthday), I was sitting on my bed playing Fable (this xbox game that brandon got me hooked on). If any of you have played it, I was in the bandit camp and getting ready to fight twinblade and meet my sister. Anyway, I was way into the game...so much so that not even a full bladder could stop me. So here I am, trying to get through this quest as fast as I can so I can go pee, when I feel some....moisture down there. And I'm like, "what the hell, did i just pee my pants??"
So I hit start after firing some lightning at Twinblade and head to the bathroom to empty my bladder. In the time it took me to walk back to my room, the above stated moisture was dripping down my legs. And I said, "Holy crap my water broke" to no one in particular.
I called Brandon (he was working at Fairchild) and told him the news...and to get his butt home.
We made it to the hospital at around 1AM, where we sat for the next four hours "fighting" (I put it in quotes cause really, we fight all the time. but not real fights. just play fights.) about what to name our bundle of joy. We came up with two names, Piper Grace and Kaylen Grace, and planned on choosing which one once we saw her.
I was having contractions at this point, but didn't really feel much more than the never-ending sensation of peeing my pants until around 8AM. The nurse came in and gave me some pitosun (sp?) to get things running a little quicker. My contractions weren't regular or intense enough to stimulate the dialation, so I just needed a little kick-start.
By 10AM I was wincing at least once every ten minutes, and so tired of "peeing my pants" i was going to scream. Our nurse, Gayle ( who was MARVELOUS) came in and told Brandon and I to try and get some rest, so we did.
And then it started to hurt. REALLY BAD. So I got an epidural at 11. Which was in itself not something I would want to do unless absolutely necessary. It was the weirdest, most uncomfortable thing...even more so than childbirth. But hey, if it's gonna save me from excruciating pain, bring it on baby. Bring. it. on.
So noon rolls around and here I am, epidural working perfectly (I didn't even feel like I was peeing my pants anymore) catheter in place, and baby wanting to come out. My mom calls to tell me they're in town and going to Sonic to get some lunch, and ask how far along I am and do I know what Brandon would want to eat? I tell her he wants a double cheeseburger with just ketchup, and that when they checked me at 11:30 I was dialated six centimeters.
Gayle came back in about fifteen minutes later to check our progress, and I told her I was feeling A LOT of pressure down there. "Pressure is good," she says, "real good." So she checks me again and lo and behold, "You're fully dialated! We can start pushing now."
And then it hits me: I actually have to push this baby out. Here I am, lying in a puddle of amniotic fluid with legs so numb i can't move them on my own, haven't gotten more than two hours of sleep, haven't eaten anything since 5PM the day before, and I have to somehow find the energy to push out my daughter.
I called mom and they cancelled their order and booked it to the hospital...got there just in time to wake Brandon up and take their posts, mom on my left leg and Alanna in front of the monitor telling me when contractions were coming (like i couldnt' tell myself).
Gayle's pushing coaching consisted of this:
When you feel the urge to push, grab the back of both legs, curl your body into a C, take one big breath, and push like you haven't pooped in three days. Quick short breath and push like you haven't pooped in three weeks. Quick short breath and push like you haven't pooped in three months. Three pushes per contraction.
And there I was, feet in the air, legs at a 90 degree angle, mom holding my left calf commenting on how soft my legs are, Brandon holding my right calf looking like he just woke up (probably because he had....), and I had this undeniable urge to push, but i couldn't. I was so scared. And honestly, I don't know why. Maybe I didn't think I could do it. Maybe I was scared I was going to feel it. Who knows. But I sort of ignored the first two contractions I was in position, and psyched myself up to push on the third one.
I honestly don't know how I did it. I pushed so hard I thought the veins in my temples were going to burst. So hard I couldn't keep my eyes open cause they'd feel like they were going to pop out. So hard I swore I really was going to poop out poop from three years ago. And before I knew it, the nurse had ran for my doctor and he was here telling me to give it one more push -her head is out- and then not to push -she was turning to the right position- and then to push -out comes her shoulder- and then not to push and then GUSH -out comes baby- and then all of a sudden there's this purple girl covered in white stuff but absolutely beautiful nonetheless lying on my chest and I'm crying and so tired and in shock that it's over.
They whisked her away to clean her and test her and bathe her and who knows what else....and I'm lying there getting stitched up (I tore a little tiny bit) and I look over at Brandon and realize that from now on, we'll probably refer to eachother as mommy and daddy more often than not. I look over at my mom and can't believe she did this without an epidural, let alone for four hours. I only had to push for an hour and although I could feel her coming out, and feel myself rip, the pain was missing.
I finally got her back in my arms and I couldn't stop crying. She opened her little eyes and that was it: I was hooked. It's amazing how quickly you fall in love with your child. There's something so magical about that first moment you look into eachother's eyes...I promised her right then and there I would love her forever.
So that's how it happened....how my little Piper came into the world. We came home Thursday afternoon, and the first night was great...she slept most of the night and so did we. Last night she decided she wanted to stay awake and fussy until 7AM, so we did too. And tonight has been similar to last night, although not as horrible.
The poor kid gets gas so bad. She's farting ALL THE TIME. And she won't breastfeed, which kind of sucks cause I now have to milk myself every three-four hours. She's always got her little hands up by her face, and is strong enough to roll over on her side and turn her head from side to side (which is amazing considering she's what, five days old?) She LOVES to be held, which is awesome, since I love to hold her. So far we've decided she's got daddy's chin, my nose and ears, and daddy's eyes (shape wise). And her head's almost normal shaped. She grew eyelashes yesterday, that was exciting.
But yeah, I'm a mommy now, and I love it. It's the coolest thing to be able to calm your baby just by picking her up and holding her close to your heart or talking to her. It's humbling, really.
-Mama Sanchez

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I have something to say.

And that something is this:
Thank you to all of you who have been by my side throughout this pregnancy, and double thanks to those of you who are mormon and have not found it necessary to preach eternal damnation to me.
Yes, I am mormon. I was baptized when I was 17. Yes, I made a mistake and had sex before marriage. That mistake ended up in a child, which has unfortunately, brought out the t r u e c o l o r s of some of my friends. Not all of them, but enough to cause me to question whether or not I even want to be a part of this religion (in Utah, at least) anymore. I used to say it was sad when people would let another person force them away from the church...that i couldn't believe someone would give up a life in the gospel because of something one person said or did. I now understand their thinking, because it's not just one person. If one person says it, chances are someone else will too. And so will their parents. And their parent's friends. And their parent's friends kids. And so on.
The other day, I receieved a phone call from a friend of mine. I have known this person since my freshman year in High school, and have always considered him to be my best friend. He actually played an insturmental role in my conversion to the church. He called to see how I was doing, and to say hello, and then as the conversation went on, he practically begged me to put my daughter up for adoption.
When I told him no, that she was my responsibility and since I am able to, I will take care of her myself, he said, "I just think you're going to ruin your life and you don't realize it." How could raising my own daughter with her father possibly ruin my life? If anything, having her living inside of me for nine months and then handing her over to someone else would ruin my life....it's the easy way out, in a way. I make a mistake and instead of accepting responsibility for it and making the best of the situation, I just get rid of it. I could never do that to myself, to her, or to Brandon.
Having a daughter out of wedlock does not make me a bad person. Moving in with her father and creating a safe, loving, family environment for her to grow up in does not make me a bad person. Cricitizing someone for trying to correct their mistakes does, however, make you a bad person.
It blows my mind that people who were once my biggest role models have changed their opinions of me so quickly simply because I am having a little girl before there is a ring on my finger.
I am still the same Sophie. When you see me, I'll still have the same curly hair and short legs and glasses. But now I will have a little girl that calls me Mommy in my arms. And you know what, I'm pretty damned excited about it. It took me a long time (almost the whole pregnancy, actually) to be able to honestly say that. And to my regret, it is because of what those people were saying/writing to me that I had such negative feelings toward my unborn daughter.
Sure, she wasn't planned. Sure, I cried like hell when I found out I was pregnant. But you know what...this little girl is MINE. I made her. I have taken care of her for 8 months now, and I am more than stoked to take care of her for the rest of my life. She is a blessing, and if I am going to lose friends for saying/thinking that, then so be it. You weren't worth it in the first place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you to all of you who have been able to look past the fact that I broke the law of chastity and still remain my friend. I'm still a good person, and if you can't see that, then eff you.

Friday, January 6, 2006

moving...yet again.

Hello all.
It's true. I'm moving, again. Just once I'd like to live somewhere longer than 8 months. Seriously. It's been almost four years since I've done that. AGH.
Anyway, I'm moving in with Brandon though, so that's okay. I'm actually kind of excited about it. I've never lived with someone I was dating before, so it'll be a new experience, that's for sure. Plus it'll be nice to not have to fork out buttloads every month for rent.
I'm huge. Not really. But I feel like it. I hate hate hate how a hoodie I bought freshman year at USU that was two sizes too big now fits, and how a pair of scrubs that used to fall off my non-existent hips fit now, but probably won't in a month.
I've decided that curly hair is the best hair in the world to have. And if my daughter has my hair and Brandon's eyes, I will be the happiest Mama Sanchez ever.
Oh, we have another name. Madisyn. I love the name, and Brandon likes the spelling. Woot woot.